An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread

On my voice mail after work this evening.
​

Please keep in mind that I have the typical automated voice mail that goes something like this: "You have reached the voice mail box of (cuts in my voice) 'John,' Please leave a message after the beep."

 

Sorry about that @Purple Bat , sometimes when I'm really hungry, the keys blur.

 

Okay, so this didn't happen to me, but to my mom.

Background info... She was about to do a store run to buy everything my grandmother (dad's mom) needed in her new assisted living apartment. My grandmother has always been a narcissist and selfish person who has no talents/hobbies/interests besides materialism. Hilariously, she's also always thought my mom was too "low class" for her son. Now that she's frail, she has no choice but to depend on my mom for some things.

M: And what about shampoo and body washes? What kind do you want?
G: Hmmmmmm I don't know.
M: They make all kinds of different soaps, floral, fruit...
G: Uhhhh I don't know, you choose.
M: Oh come on, don't you have a favorite smell? Maybe a favorite flower?
G: I like the smell of money.

Ah, you nasty old coot, you haven't changed one bit.

 

"And now you have these high school boys freeblasting into chicks thinking nothing of it"
-A group discussion about sex education in the US, held inside a McDonald's

 

I knew it!

 

"Rowrrrr! FSSST!"

It's rainy so I'm staying inside today and my cats are bored

 

"I don't watch Star Wars."

 

"My brain is awake when I sleep"

My co-workers amaze me sometimes.

 

Having lunch with a friend IN PUBLIC mind you.

Me - Why do you look so concerned?

Her - I don't really know anything about butt holes.

Me - Umm. What?

Her - Butt holes. I don't know how they work at all. They say when you die you poop. So does that mean your butt hole is flexed all the time and it stops flexing when you die? Am I flexing it right now? How do I even tell? Is it involuntary like my heart beating? It can't be though because I have to control it when I poop right? Oh God what if it's like blinking and when you think about it too much everything gets all messed up? I should flex just in case. If it even can flex. Can it?

Me - Stop It.

Her - Stop flexing?

Me - No. Stop talking.

 

I missed this thread!

 

Me: "Interesting that lobster tails are being served at a DIY cookout in Belmont Plateau here in Fairmount Park?"
Guy I was talking to: "Oh yeah I brought those, I did some dumpster diving today, lots of the food I bring is!"
Me (slowly walking away and thankful I had not eaten anything but the chips I brought): "I think I need a second to process that and be sick"

 

@Lixx
Dumpster lobster! That's a freegan's delight!








No sentences spoken to me yet today, but I live in Georgia; I'm sure i'll hear something worthy of this thread.

 

Urinals at work yesterday. Me and 2 other guys.
Guy1: Did I ever tell you about our crazier days at Penn in the 70s?
Guy2: Nope
Guy1: One time me and a buddy got hammered and ended up in the autopsy area. We stole the penis off a cadaver, took it to an Eagles game at the Vet and threw it in a urinal.
Guy2: ...
Me: WTF

 

"What's vagina in a box?"



Can't really blame him.

 

"When I got my black belt I practically slept in it for a whole week." -random dude at a juice bar

 

@boon velvet
Dr. Steve Brule is my favorite non-fictional character... dumpster shrimp is a classic!
(all those cab legs made me thirsty.)

Some recent and real quotes that have been slung at me:

"That ladder is making me sneeze."
and
Regarding my prescription sunglasses: "Do them got medicine to 'em?"

 

@toothaction ,they prefer the term "little people".

 

i know this doesn't fit in this thread and it's not the actual sentence but the order itself that made go wtf,

"Let me get lox and butter on a pumpernickel bagel"

 

Her - I thought the world was supposed to end on the 23rd?

Me - You sound a little disappointed.

Her - Eh. I feel like the world we live in now actually gives me a chance to make it to the end. With Trump and global warming and Korea and whatnot.

Me - You want the world to end?

Her - No not really but if it is gonna end it would be kind of cool to be there you know? Like surviving to the end of the world I mean. That's a pretty cool accomplishment right? Like beating a really hard video game or making it to the end of a really long really awful book. Plus if the whole world ended you wouldn't have to worry about the people you love or grieve for anyone at all because we'd all be dead together.

Me - It sounds like you're starting a cult. Sign me up!

 

Look, I like what I like, alright?
Don't knock it 'til you etc etc...

Seriously tho I would order and eat that...