(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡 ┻━┻

Not so noise cancelling headphones.

My coworker likes 70s funk a lot more than I do.

 

I'm sure fish heads are delicious and all but I would prefer you didn't eat them at your desk.

 

what was it ??

 

pretty sure it was that Ghost dildo + buttplug set

 

^^^^

I could put those to good use

 

Here's one I'm SURE a lot of guys can relate to:
So a year ago my wife didn't just cheat on me, she stole $150 000 of my life savings, maxed out my credit cards to $20 000 (forever assuring I can never expand the ION Men toyline or go to Japan as planned), changed all my internet p/words then cancelled all my healthcare and somehow put all MY assets in her name (meaning I couldn't even get a bank loan to pay off the debt she put me in!) I've had actual amnesia and brain surgery on top of this.
Fuck right?
So instead of letting it get me down I've been shagging pretty much every 35-40 year old woman on the planet like an angry mofo all year until a few weeks ago when I met this STUNNING woman who convinced me to give it all up, get rid of all the other women, close down all my dating accounts, stop being a shagger and BE A REAL MAN......to which every guy I know said "ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY!?"
I ignored them.
She had four kids to two men who both treated her like shit. She had poor self esteem....she told me numerous times she was damaged goods....my alarm bells should have been screaming.
Yesterday I bought her kids an Xbox 360 because one of her derelict, loser husbands had come round and "reclaimed" theirs which was just so bad a story I felt impelled to do something about it....as I was driving over to hand it over she rings and tells me she's "so used to only going out with scumbag men she's not sure how to handle a guy like me who treats her like a princess so she doesn't want to see me anymore."
I just got dumped by someone who LITERALLY told me they only want to date ARSEHOLES right after she convinced me to wipe out all the awesome women in my life and spent 3 weeks of my holidays building up her self esteem. I HATE being told I'm "too good" for them, I'd rather they just tell the truth and say "Your fat and bald and I want to shag hot and rich."
FUCK, FUCK, FUCKEDY FUCK FUCK-ON-A-FUCKING FUCK POGO STICK!

 

Damn...was there any way you could take legal action against your ex-wife?

And yeah, girls LOVE arrogant douches because it's all about confidence and those guys have way too much

 

I feel like I shouldn't say anything here, Matt, but I can't help wanting to say ... "Instincts. Trust them and go with them every. single. time."

 

but, matt, you are an arsehole, so it's all her loss

 

Well, I can do the bank fraud for the credit card and my ex goes to jail for six months screwing up my kids life forever or just get on with it...which I did. Did you know that Visa will pay you back the money if you prove it (which I already did, easy, she used my cards while I was at work and bought crazy women's shit without her name on the authorisation.) Just have to sign the forms, but if I did, that's it, it's out of your hands, you can't say "Oh, I want to drop the charges" because it becomes a federal matter then....you have to seriously think that shit through!

I'm more shitty that I let my guard down with this new lady and got diddled (not in a good way)...nobody likes doing that.

 

Hey Matt. I know a nice bear bar where they will treat your bald fat self like the king you are suppose to be.

 

Fuck bitches, get money
$$

 

Damn Matt, that was a terrible year. It sounds to me that after living all that what just happened with this girl isn't that bad. But I don't want to belittle your down, because I know it's all relative. And also I don't think one should regret or feel bad for giving the best you could... To hell with her if she doesn't want you, ultimately the right one comes along.

 

FUCK YOU to whoever the douchebag is that set that goddamn wildfire in Glendora this morning. You ruined my day and I have ash pouring down on my ass because of you. Maybe we'll all get lucky and they'll find your burnt up corpse in the water drenched brush once they put this thing out.

Ash does not equal snow in winter contrary to what they say

 

You must have a huge ass!

 

Fuck You, asshole Long Beach cop hiding in a speed trap and giving me a ticket today. I'm glad there were no real crimes for you to handle or prevent today.

 

Long Beach, CA?

 

Yup. Bixby Knolls, actually

 

You must be a hipster. There is a memorandum going around the LBPD to pull over and cite anyone who is or even remotely looks like a hipster. We want you guys back in Silverlake and wherever stinkupuss lives and out of Long Beach Rock City

 

I am a goth/industrial hipster psychology intern, true! I want out of Long Beach, but am stuck here until August working with trauma kids. I actually live in East Hollywood, the working class Latino neighborhood VERY VERY close to Silverlake, lol.

Must have been my ironic mustache and mullet and MAWANKA jean jacket that got me busted!!!