Funny Amazon product reviews.

phantomfauna · Nov 5, 2013

The reviews...

It used to be that I got home from work and the only thing I'd want to put in my mouth was the cold barrel of my grandfather's shotgun. Then I discovered Sonia Allison's Chicken Tetrazzini, and now there are two things.
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After the divorce my diet consisted primarily of uncooked ramen and whiskey. Occasionally I wondered aloud if I'd ever have another home cooked meal again.

Then I discovered "Microwave for One" and everything changed.

My favorite chapters were:

Chapter 1: Plugging in your Microwave and You

Chapter 4: How to Wait 3 Minutes

Chapter 11 [BONUS CHAPTER]: Eating with Cats

In closing, I give this book 2 thumbs up (and a paw!). Thanks Sonia Allison!
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next...

Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag...

Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.

If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.
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and they keep going on...

ultrakaiju · Nov 5, 2013

I recommend checking out some of the reviews for The Mountain collection shirts, such as the Three Wolf Moon shirt or Unicorn Castle, and going from there.

Also, not sure if anyone read the review for the dinosaur erotica (yes), but boy some of the things amazon sells warrant this 'creative' feedback. George Takei's reviews alone are worth following.

phantomfauna · Nov 5, 2013

ultrakaiju said:

Also, not sure if anyone read the review for the dinosaur erotica (yes), but boy some of the things amazon sells warrant this 'creative' feedback. George Takei's reviews alone are worth following.
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That's a good one. Here's some others I liked...

One size adult Harry Potter sorting hat brown...

This hat its the best snorting hat
of all harry potter snoting hat take
good care of this snorting hat this
it is the best I recommend this to
you if you dont know whats a
pupuet it is agag made of
cloge you move your hand inside
the cloge bag if you dont know
whats a baby montior it is a
thing that if a baby cry you
hear from the baby montion
so some one says grifindor
slithern herpoof or rifinckle
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Product specs...

Rewinds DVD's, CD's, Game Discs - and more!
Use default 'rewind sound', or create your own!
Hidden drawer for disc cleaning fluid, paperclips, or pennies.
Requires one (1x) 9volt battery (not included).

DVD Rewinder...

Times have been tough with the missus recently. We were always fighting about every little thing, who's turn it was to wash the dishes, who was going to mow the lawn, whether or not I was cheating on her with her sister (I was). And on the rare occasion we had the time to watch a movie together we would fight about who would rewind the DVD. My marriage was on the brink of collapse.

Enter "DVD Rewinder"! Rewinding our movies is no longer tedious, but an enjoyable experience to share with my wife. The amazing space age technology works like a charm and DVDs rewind in a matter of minutes, compared to the hours it used to take to manually spin the disc backwards thousands of times.

Sure, sometimes my wife still argues that it makes more sense for me to get a job than for her to get 2 (I mean seriously it averages out to 1 job per person either way, WHAT is the big deal?) but at the end of the day, at least we can watch Glitter without an argument. DVD Rewinder, I owe you my marriage and my life.
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ultrakaiju · Feb 22, 2014

Here is another winner. I don't know how every household doesn't have one of these.

The Phoenix - the solution to all your writing needs you didn't know you had

From the good,

My wife thinks we should make a down-payment on a new home after we get married...but I think I made the right decision by purchasing her this pen. I haven't given it to her yet, but I'll surprise her on our honeymoon. Granted, we'll have to live with my parents for a few years, but I think she'll enjoy that. She is such a lucky lady...I really do spoil her.
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to the bad

This pen is amazing but I lose them all the time and the fact I can't buy them in a pack of 5 is outrageous. That means I have to buy them all separate and spend $5 on shipping PER a pen!
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to the

The moment I got this pen in the mail, I challenged a Samurai To Combat. I lost My arm, and a Leg, hence I am typing this review with one hand. This Pen IS NOT mightier than the sword. also, it leaks if you leave it in your pocket, just saying...
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ultrakaiju · Feb 22, 2014

Obligatory.

Dean · Feb 22, 2014

Very Best of David Hasselhoff

greg · Feb 23, 2014

Wow some funny ass stuff.

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Funny Amazon product reviews.

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