I forgot about those. Haha.

"This is not my zoo. And those are not my monkeys." - said by my sister n law

My daughter had a group of friends over at our house to celebrate her 12th birthday.
Sugar highs were experienced. Although to be honest, one of the monkeys was her son.

"I wonder if these potatoes were the potatoes I was thinking of."

"How did you know I was lost."



-Aren't we all?

"We all need to work together to save the Queen Bee of the World. Eat peanut butter and go to Hell."

Disclosure: I work in a psychiatric hospital.

Haha nice one!

"Why do they call all these toys soft vinyl when they are so damn hard...?"

Lol, thats some solid word salad. I worked at a group home for many years that was mostly guys with schizophrenia stepping down from state hospital, met a few whose word salad would be really fun like that on the right day.

Same here worked in a group home from 1991-1994, very stressful time. At times I thought I was going mental!

I'm just wondering how long it's going to be before I'm actually in one.

The sentence :
"Nicholas Cage is literally the Jimmy Stewart of today."

Get a call last night with my university's number coming up. They hung up just as I answered. "Oh my is there a problem with my refund? Do i owe them money, why are they calling me at 8:15 at night?" I think. Nope upon calling back I get this:

Stoner guy: "Oh how were you able to call us? This is a pledge drive dude, that's why we called. Some alumni guy is kicking us a $10,000 donation if we can get 216 students to pledge money of $25 or more"

Bonus catch: if you donate money you're eligible for a drawing of a $25 Campus Cash card (which can only be spent at the school bookstore! yeah)

Is he serious? Really this school just had $30 million given to them by the owner of the Bruins, and charges us exorbitant fees, tuition, and holds our state aid hostage till pretty much the end of the semester. Then all semester sends you emails threatening to take it away unless you can prove you're taking 12 credits towards an actual major. Like we don't have enough to worry about all semester without knowing whether we will owe you thousands at the end! And Ummm..... Isn't that your job to find out that stuff? Hell no I'm not giving you a fucking cent!

co-worker: "I like your shirt, is that a car? . . . Oh and a monkey"

I'm wearing a Star Wars shirt with Luke in his Landspeeder and Chewbacca on the side.

You should have made loud Wookie noises, ripped her arms off and beat her with them.

my co-worker asked me 2 questions back to back the other day
Co-worker: "are you polish?"
Me: No
Co-worker:"Browns or the Bears"

I was so chocked by that follow up question that I just didn't say anything

"My fiance used his new 3D printer to print another 3D printer and I think it's one of the seven signs of the apocalypse."

oi! i'm bri-ish - 1st grader at my school.

"Japan is such a land locked country."

"So all of the sudden we're sitting in his movie room where he has 30 aluminum Cobras that he owns personally."

Me: "Did you hold your farts until after swim practice geeze"
11 yo son: "That's how life works dad"

"It is said that if a blood sacrifice is made at the proper time, with the proper ceremonies, when the moon and the stars are right, the gods grant a boon - a boon of eternal youth."

"This protein shake is gay."

"Vegans can't eat tomatoes." - my aunt, who loves to argue about shit she knows nothing about

She must be talking about beefsteak tomatoes...

Her, in all seriousness: "Dean, was it Joseph Smith who was crucified on a cross?"

Me: "No, that guy was shot by a vigilante mob. You're probably thinking of Jesus of Nazareth."

Her: "Oh that's right. OK, thank you Dean!"

Discussing what star wars movies to see before seeing the force awakens,

Me: "You only need to see the original trilogy"
Him: "Oh yeah, the black and white ones"

@Dean - The fuck?