"it is easy."

but everytime when the ups truck come, he is in the rest room!

"If I hit them numbers imma buy a graveyard and a casket factory."

Not spoken but written, verbatim:

"Are you going to be creative are do you exspect me to tell you how to design."

Lovely, just lovely. Design clients make my blood boil -- Happy Friday, everyone!

Grocery store:
"So it's not OK to call them Tranny?"

My niece- "Where's that screaming coming from?"

Mother n' Law- "Oh, thats just grandpa making another youtube video."

"I saw that new Pan movie, it made me glad that someday I'm going to get old and die because at least then I can forget I saw that Pan movie."

Thanks for the laugh guys
"I saw an alien in the tree, or maybe it was you"

Typed at me, in this case:

new_winebar1> go to the bathrrom and them suck my dicks and masturb you
new_winebar1 has left the conversation

Okay...

Oh shit, if we're going to start quoting online convos now...

I present to you, a compilation of quotes from a chatroom on the phone game Summoner's War.

"I wana tie you up and give you a snuggle with a struggle"

"grupo existente aqui?"
"No existential grouper here, we have inquisitive salmon though"

"toss salad while flipping on trampoline"

"I may not ever hit the bottom of a bucket, however, I sure could fill a tuna can."

"I'm Hungary, then Czech your fridge, I'm Russian to the kitchen, is there any Turkey? Yeah, but it's covered in layers of Greece. There's Norway you can eat that."

"Might want to shut you cock holster before you fit any more embarrassing sausage in there."

"Remember Chat Roulette? Whole lotta dicks!
If you're from Alabama, then you've probably got ticks!
My favorite movies are the 80's horror flicks!"

"I have a question, I know it's better to wipe front to back, but should I stand up or lean to one side?"

"Crunch on your dry scone and your dry, tasteless correctness"

"yeah I FUKIN HATE ANTS, U GO TO GET A FORK FOR NOODLES, THREE SEC LATER THE NOODLES ARE GONE, FUK U ANTS"

"Ball Sacks is a Guardian guild looking for new seeds to join our sack."

"THE END TIMES ARE COMING. PRAY TO OUR LORD AND SAVIOR: CHOCOLATE ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING NO. 1 FOR SALVATION"

"If your butt was a nice flooring and I were a tap dancer, I'd tap your butt"


That's all I have screenshotted, I... I kind of collect weird quotes.

"Hold on, you wait here...I got another quorshtion" -yesterday

"maybe that's his new year's resolation!" -last week

"I had to buy another cadillac converter" -a few weeks back

I once had a running list of these...gotta track that down! SMDH

Here's a few I found on my phone:
"I found them at TJ Mack (Maxx)"
"He worsesome" ( )
"We had to wing him off it" (I hear this one regularly)

"Never walk in to a country bar, put on "Wagon Wheel" and tell everyone it's a song about fucking your own mother."

This thread looks like it's headed towards the gutter...I like it!

My comparatively tame contribution (I'll do better next time, promise):

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize".

I was at some work related training, and one of the instructors could've passed for my old platoon sergeant's twin brother....he was describing somebody who was perplexed , saying
"....he didn't know wether to wind his watch or scratch his ass"

Speaking of Army stuff, one thing you could almost always count on was a smart ass answer if you were looking for somebody.

Example: "Where's Sgt. Smith ?"

typical answer "if he was up your ass kicking footballs, you'd know where he was".

"I've been getting really excited about going to the Country Fair and getting some fries and funnel cake. Last time I had funnel cake I was in High School and took a girl on what I presume was the best date of her fucking life. A couple of hours into the date, her heel gave out and she stumbled to the ground. Had I been sober, I would have helped her regain her feet, however alcohol had liberated me from such human constraints. I continued walking and told her that she should either get up or say goodbye to the only person who ever truly loved her(me, durr). Undoubtedly aroused due to my charming dismissive nature, I remember she yelled some encouraging swears after me as I ambled away into the darkness. I was comfortably in bed within 10 minutes".

"When I drink red wine my pinky ALWAYS goes up and out".

"I liked the Breeders more than the Pixies before your Mom was even listening to Joy Division".

More of a funny story...I met this guy the other night who was going on about how he's sick of illegal immigrants and homosexuals in this country (No need to post that crap). After his hate speech concluded he turned to me and asked what I did for a living. I told him I was in the business of smuggling illegal gay immigrants into the country. I damn near got slugged.

Oh man, that's just gold. Good on you for messing with that guy, and thank goodness you didn't get slugged... The stupid ones always seem to have some kind of super-strength.

"He sure licks his dick a lot, huh?"

^ hahaha, reminds me of my mom's occasional outburst of "Oh god, I touched his dick again."
This is our first time ever having a male dog, and my mom keeps accidentally touching "it" when she picks him up.

Haha

This reminds me of the other night, I caught Whitney Cummings on 1 of the late shows. She was talking about having to saran wrap her great dane's balls before he goes outside because they drag the ground. Your Mom would love that

Oh my goodness, I'm at a restaurant and now everyone is wondering why I'm laughing...

Anyway I just overheard "Ginger Ale doesn't mix with apple juice and vodka." while I was walking to my booth.
I don't drink, so now I'm curious as to the validity of this statement

"With a name like 'sasqwatch-man' he must be living the vape life."

"Her brother, Andre, cared more about undoing her zipper in the dark."

"whats up my niggas" - This said by a Chinese guy on a bike dressed like an army space man to me and my brother, two pasty white dudes.

Now I really want to know what a Chinese army space man on a bike looks like.