You should not have touched this book with your bare hands.

NO, don’t put it down. It’s too late.

They’re watching you.

My name is David Wong. My best friend is John. Those names are fake. You might want to change yours.

You may not want to know about the things you’ll read on these pages, about the sauce, about Korrok, about the invasion, and the future. But it’s too late. You touched the book. You’re in the game. You’re under the eye.

The only defense is knowledge. You need to read this book, to the end. Even the part with the bratwurst. Why? You just have to trust me.



The important thing is this:

The drug is called Soy Sauce and it gives users a window into another dimension.

John and I never had the chance to say no.

You still do.

Unfortunately for us, if you make the right choice, we’ll have a much harder time explaining how to fight off the otherworldly invasion currently threatening to enslave humanity.

I’m sorry to have involved you in this, I really am. But as you read about these terrible events and the very dark epoch the world is about to enter as a result, it is crucial you keep one thing in mind:



None of this is was my fault.

WARNING:



You may have a huge, invisible spider living in your skull. THIS IS NOT A METAPHOR.



You will dismiss this as ridiculous fear-mongering. Dismissing things as ridiculous fear-mongering is, in fact, the first symptom of parasitic spider infection -- the creature secretes a chemical into the brain to stimulate skepticism, in order to prevent you from seeking a cure. That's just as well, since the "cure" involves learning what a chainsaw tastes like.



You can't feel the spider, because it controls your nerve endings. You can't see it, because it decides what you see. You won't even feel it when it breeds. And it will breed. So what happens when your family, friends and neighbors get mind-controlling skull spiders? We're all about to find out.



Just stay calm, and remember that telling you about the spider situation is not the same as having caused it. I'm just the messenger. Even if I did sort of cause it.



Either way, I won't hold it against you if you're upset. I know that's just the spider talking.

you can catch it on netflix, no guarantee it will be as entertaining as the book.

As most of you have noticed, the JDatE Facebook page is down. We’re working on getting it back up, which means sending threatening letters to anyone with the last name of “Facebook” and waiting for them to reply. So far, none have, which is a bunch of bullshit. You can’t run a website and just ignore your customers like that.

Dave thinks it’s because of a picture we posted. That was the last thing that went up before the page disappeared. It was an undoctored picture we found of the President before he took office back in 1993, shitting into the open mouth of a clown while flipping off a bunch of crying first graders. God, he looked so happy in that picture. I was going to post it here, but Facebook now has it, and I can’t get it back until they restore our page.

I, on the other hand, don’t believe it was the photo that got us removed. I think it’s because I sent them a letter one night asking them to remove our page. My drummer said that one time he did that with Myspace, and they not only didn’t take it down, but they made his page bigger out of spite, and that the joke was on them because it allowed “more access for the bitches.” I think he was just talking shit while drunk, but it never hurts to try it, right? Either way, when our Facebook page comes back, expect it to be ENORMOUS.

The movie, for me, was a big disappointment. Lost its way.

Didn't read the book, the movie was fun, but that Facebook shit is hilarious.

So followed that with Fight Club, Jagannath, Bad Monkey, Raising Stony Mayhall, and others. So the end result is very positive.

Unfortunately the book reminded me a lot of Joe R. Lansdale's work. John Dies At The End felt like a weaker version of what would happen if Hap & Leonard found themselves in any one of Lansdale's horror shorts. All that aside, the book was still pretty good. I'll read the sequel and the movie's still on my list. But I'm also not in any rush to do either.

Thanks for posting, I had no idea that the movie was based on a book.