My friends, I have a sad secret to reveal. Harry Potter was not, in fact, the original invention of J.K. Rowling. She has a financial interest in maintaining this facade. As a global juggernaut of culture, there is little I can do to stop her but reveal the truth to you, my closest friends.

I am the original author.

When I was four years old, an angel visited me while I was very sick. This angel's head was covered in eyes, and its wings were made of light. It implanted the seed of Harry Potter within my mind, and from there it took root. Over the next year, I wrote the original stories, which JK stole from me and repurposed into sellable volumes. All I can do is reveal to you the true, original stories, chapter by chapter.


Chapter 1

Dobby relished his groinsaw's roar as he withdrew the flesh-choked blade from the astronaut's ruined skull. He turned to Harry, thrusting his bloody, retina-covered pelvis with elfin fervor.

"How does Ronnie Ron taste, master?"

Harry spat out an eyeball. "Like some kid with eyes."

Dobby ducked an astronaut's poison barbed fist, digging his groinsaw into the beast's abdomen and letting the spray of viscera wash over his elfin space armor. The skulls' eye sockets on his shoulders grew brilliant with an infernal cast and vomited a bolt of light through an astronaut; he was thrown back against the deathwall, his flesh boiling in another dimension.

Harry slapped Dobby, who giggled.

Harry reminded himself to kill himself later.

"Master, look out!"

Dobby's groinsaw screamed as it flew off the armor, rocketing through the air like an early dream of mankind. It flew through three astronauts who dropped their hellspears as the saw cut a hole in the ground beneath them so they fell to hell and the demonic spheres rape them to this day.

Chapter 2

"Now, Dobby."

Dobby knelt before his master.

Harry withdrew his guitar, Fuckslayer, from a dimension where all screamed for naught.

Wrought from the silver heart of heaven's false promise, laced with vessels that pulsed with angel's menstrual blood, hewn from the horns of Satan's generals, it laughed as it was set loose, a laugh that only Harry could hear, but no one could share.

Harry swung the guitar through Dobby's chicken neck. He took the head of his fallen dwarfslave and tore open his stomach, stuffing the head inside. Harry vomited steam and summoned a great meteor from space to smash into Hogwarts and kill everyone there, for no reason at all. A vision then appeared. It was Dumbledore, entombed in his cursed mummy armor, calling Harry from his Moonbase which wasn't on a moon.

"Harry, you must rock the fuck out."

Harry channeled his rage through Fuckslayer. The angel blood boiled as he summoned the great meteor, swathed with the blood of the tiny fucklings at Hogwarts, leapt onto it, and flew into space. He encased the entire meteor in a wreath of holy fuckfire and flew through Mercury, killing the fuck out of it. Then he sent Mercury's carcass into Venus, killing the fuck out of it and making every vagina in the galaxy explode, and inside every vagina a booby sang of mortal life's fleeting precipice.

Harry then did fly his meteor through space, punching astral vampires in half with his fists encased in fuckfire and throwing their ruined heads into the past where they bit cavemen on mars so that history changed and now there are vampire cavemen on mars. Harry received another vision from Frumblegore, who was having tea and chumpits with the president of Pangea.

"Care to have tea, Harry?"

"You know how I hate chumpits."

So when does Will Smith's character show up?

Yeah.. I agree Dustin.
I kind of had the same th... Aahhh.. Errr... Man.. I am at a loss for words on this..
Just a really wierded out and confused expression on my face..

I love that Dr. Seuss book

what is that up there? Mad Libs?

No, Mad Libs are fun. This is just annoying.

i have short attn span. what is this in a nutshell?

Not quite sure.. A spoof on Harry Potter?
Whatever it is, it made my brain hurt

Speaking of nuts, who's heard this before?
What do you call a nut on a wall?

i hope this doesn't end up with a question about the nuts on your chin.

ba-dam-bump chhh

everybody knows that NAGaraya Nuts are the best

Cracker nuts fucking ROCK - but I'm not a fan of the original.
Gimme garlic or bbq and I'm a happy man.

Hey jackass, err sorry I mean jacksauce. You haven't been taking your medication?

Chapter 3

Harry slammed his book shut. It wasn't really a book, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles, but it was still reading.

"Gumbledorp, if you don't stop, we'll starve, and no one will be around to kill everyone in the universe if we get around to bringing everyone back to life after we killed them."

"I am no longer Scrumblegort."

The ancient man dropped some of the planets he was juggling.

"The worlds have shifted. I am Dumblecop, of the Darkmeal."

He flexed one of his legs, which was made of pistols, and kicked a planet in half.

"Bugger your Darkmeal, faggart of a thousand suns."

Dumblecop sniffed.

"And what of it? Is it a sin, should a man feel like faggarting a sun or a thousand? Why should the suns heave through the void, if not to be skewer't bypon ourn fagpoles?"

Harry cast a glance at the book. Unsavory sounds emanated from a particularly damned chapter. He was hungry. He looked at a nearby cup. It had a faded brown film on the bottom. He thought about chumpits.

MOAR!!!

can't argue with that. I want to but I can't.

are you kidding me? seriously?

I'm with Ed here...can this fucking thread, and user, please go away?

this is absurd. where are the mods???

They probably couldn't read it either.

oh but lorne, he's FRIENDS with customizers here so I GUESS he gets a pass.

fuck this place.

Jacksauce,

homophobic language of any kind whatsover is not tolerated here.

locking down this thread. you have been warned.