"When I was little I always begged my mom to get any cereal that had one of those little yellow toy submarines in the box that you fill with baking soda so they can bob up and down in the water but I never figured out how to make them work no matter how many times I tried and I think my life turned out exactly the same way cause no matter how adult I try to be I am still just a little kid with that can't ever figure how things really work."

^ that is quite depressing, but I think a lot of us feel like that. I don't really know how to adult.

---


"It's... It's WHOLE foods, it's foods you can enjoy."

-psychobabble from my aunt

"You're the reason pocket change is dirty!"

-an ex-girlfriend after catching me scratching my balls for the hundredth time.

LMAO! It's not like you were rubbing quarters on your sack geez. My girlfriend constantly yells at me for having my hands anywhere near that area. I'm like "Hon, you have the heat on 76 degrees it's a sauna in here imagine how it is downtown?" Boys need to breath. This is why when I'm home I'm half naked 24-7.

So, over there, in the tree; is that Ultraman?

My mom isn't tech savy at all. She sent me a text message that said "For ulla deep lieu jag"

I think that's Klingon.

"Pick things that you don't want to regret, and maybe orate some stratigisms."

"People 'round here are fruitcakes, and that one over there is walnuts; he's full of nuts."

"I have been wanting to ask you out for years but you're one of those guys who looks like you're so out of my league even if you said yes and we ended up falling in love and getting married and having kids I'd never think I was good enough for you and I'd always think you were full of regrets about being with me or maybe just constantly cheating on me with someone prettier, asshole."


The fuck..!

Haha

"Is 'fixed-gear' like fly fishing for douchebags?"

"My, what a fluffy hamburger!"

Iv said that before.... >.> LMAO

Read in a comments section today:

This is so Canadian it’ll habitually order poutine at McDonalds... In Birmingham, Alabama... And still expect it!

I... umm.... don't see anything wrong with that.

^ Both comments are funny : )

Wahaha! (is it?)

I'm at 5Guys earlier, guy in front of walks to cashier...

"I'll have a veggie burger"
"What toppings do you want on that sir"
"I'll have bacon, american cheese, and mayo, thanks"

Insert perplexed Emjoi here.

"I like seeing old, super out of shape men mowing their lawns with their shirts off. At some point they reachecd the I give no more fucks phase of their life, and are braver than I am."

"I tried this coffee last week that is supposed to be the best in the whole world and it was so fucking amazing but it comes from the butt of this cat monkey animal cause it's like pooped out or whatever and while I was drinking it I couldn't help but be disappointed by what my life has become because I'm sitting there drinking a 45 dollar cup of coffee poop and I didn't even feel bad about it and I'm not sure exactly how but I know that makes me a horrible person."

Sounds like my mom, sans the cheese and mayo. She actually LIKES veggie burgers... And it makes her feel less guilty about putting bacon on her burger.

"I like it when they put their faces in things."

"It's a nipple who's secretly an eye, my right eye of youth."

Hahaha...

I've been sitting on this one for a couple of weeks now, but I just have to share it.Worst, funniest thing that I've heard in a long time. My apologies.

Me - I'll have a large iced mocha.
Her - You want that iced or hot?

Insert chin scratching emoji here.