An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread

Discussion in 'Whatever' started by toothaction, Aug 26, 2015.

  1. quentor

    quentor Addicted

    Joined:
    May 26, 2010
    Messages:
    918
    Location:
    Twin Cities
    Name:
    Ryan
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    "It's so nice to be massaged by balls and not real humans"

    And.....

    "Maybe I could have gotten away with that before my stomach became a butthole"
     
  2. quentor

    quentor Addicted

    Joined:
    May 26, 2010
    Messages:
    918
    Location:
    Twin Cities
    Name:
    Ryan
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    Mommy I just sneezed out a nail
     
  3. toothaction

    toothaction Team Tsubu Staff Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2011
    Messages:
    12,572
    Location:
    Detroit
    Name:
    David
    flickr:
    toothaction
    Instagram:
    thebeautifulpuffin
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    "This rain is on fire!"
     
    boon velvet and quentor like this.
  4. toothaction

    toothaction Team Tsubu Staff Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2011
    Messages:
    12,572
    Location:
    Detroit
    Name:
    David
    flickr:
    toothaction
    Instagram:
    thebeautifulpuffin
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    "The hardest things to process are the softest things."
     
  5. Waterbear

    Waterbear Comment King

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2013
    Messages:
    1,431
    Location:
    Hiding in your toy chest
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    "I don't even like this fancy coffee shit. I just buy it and drink it cause it looks pretty and cause everyone else drinks it. What the fuck am I doing? My whole life is just a lie."

    "Ma'am, does that mean you don't want your order? You already paid for it."

    "Yeah I still want it. Can you make sure the sticker doesn't cover the starbucks logo? It makes the pictures look stupid."
     
  6. toothaction

    toothaction Team Tsubu Staff Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2011
    Messages:
    12,572
    Location:
    Detroit
    Name:
    David
    flickr:
    toothaction
    Instagram:
    thebeautifulpuffin
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    "I keep talking like I do, mom, because if I didn't keep it up I'd have to listen to everything that you're never going to say."
     
    Headhunter and boon velvet like this.
  7. toothaction

    toothaction Team Tsubu Staff Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2011
    Messages:
    12,572
    Location:
    Detroit
    Name:
    David
    flickr:
    toothaction
    Instagram:
    thebeautifulpuffin
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    "Wait your turn while I kick myself in the face."


    Okay, I'm totally cheating here - This is what I was imagining that my cat was saying to me the other night. Cats are weird.
     
  8. Waterbear

    Waterbear Comment King

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2013
    Messages:
    1,431
    Location:
    Hiding in your toy chest
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    "This chocolate bar says it's flecked with handmade artisan salt from the ocean. Can that be true?"

    "Yeah it's not that uncommon to make salt that way."

    "So there is fish poop in my chocolate?"

    "No that's not how it works..."

    "Smells like fish poop. Tastes like fish poop. Came from the ocean where all the fish poop. It's fish poop."

    "Okay fine it's fish poop. Can I have it?"

    "No, buy your own fish poop."
     
    hellointerloper likes this.
  9. SHred

    SHred Fresh Meat

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2010
    Messages:
    95
    Location:
    LV PA
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    Guy at work: "These god damn drivers are stupider by the day. I hope they all get f*cking audited."

    Me: (In my head) "What's more stupid, the drivers or your ability to speak English?"
     
  10. toothaction

    toothaction Team Tsubu Staff Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2011
    Messages:
    12,572
    Location:
    Detroit
    Name:
    David
    flickr:
    toothaction
    Instagram:
    thebeautifulpuffin
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    "I'm not going to cut you; I'm going to find a pen."
     
  11. The Moog

    The Moog Die-Cast

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2010
    Messages:
    11,414
    Location:
    Gert Brizzle UK
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    Said by a young woman to her friend whilst browsing in a shop with a radio-station playing adverts in the background:
    "I hate it when they use children to advertise stuff . . . . it's very off-putting".

    I totally agree.
     
    hellointerloper likes this.
  12. toothaction

    toothaction Team Tsubu Staff Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2011
    Messages:
    12,572
    Location:
    Detroit
    Name:
    David
    flickr:
    toothaction
    Instagram:
    thebeautifulpuffin
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    "Just because I can't tell Magic Johnson and Dr. J apart doesn't mean I'm a racist!"
     
    boon velvet likes this.
  13. ultrakaiju

    ultrakaiju Die-Cast Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2011
    Messages:
    11,173
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    Well, sure, it is entirely possible you are suffering from prosopagnosia. :|
     
    boon velvet likes this.
  14. Headhunter

    Headhunter Line of Credit

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2015
    Messages:
    1,791
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    Customer: "Where can i find the Pokemans at?"

    Me: *Cringes while trying to smile*
     
  15. Waterbear

    Waterbear Comment King

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2013
    Messages:
    1,431
    Location:
    Hiding in your toy chest
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    Two friends of mine talking to each other while we had lunch...

    Girl 1 - "It was such a long day. I need a sugar daddy."

    Girl 2 - "What? Seriously? It's that kind of shit that keeps us down as women. Our unwillingness to do things all by ourselves. To think all we need to do is be pretty and everything else will work itself out is where most of our problems come from. We aren't princesses who just need to wait for prince charming to sweep us off our feet into a happily ever after. That mentality is why it's so hard for us to get ahead in business too because people assume whatever we make is just secondary income for our husbands so it doesn't matter if we get that raise or promotion. I am pretty disgusted with you right now!"

    Girl 1 - "I meant the fucking candy that is just hard caramel and comes in the yellow wrapper that says sugar daddy on it in big red letters you nutjob!"

    Me - " Now I'm disgusted with you, that candy was awful.."
     
    patrickvaz and Purple Bat like this.
  16. useless toys

    useless toys Side Dealer

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2006
    Messages:
    2,339
    Location:
    NYC
    Name:
    Ed
    Instagram:
    iheartlunch
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    "So you mentholated your taint, that fuuucking sucks!"

    Jason Ellis show.
     
  17. Purple Bat

    Purple Bat Addicted

    Joined:
    May 22, 2012
    Messages:
    884
    Location:
    US Mid-Southwest
    Name:
    John
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    So... just another day on Grindr then?
    :lol:
     
  18. Waterbear

    Waterbear Comment King

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2013
    Messages:
    1,431
    Location:
    Hiding in your toy chest
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    Her - Let's go to sushirritio!

    Me - What the hell is a sushirrito?

    Her - It's this really cool place where they take traditional sushi ingredients and make HUGE burritos out of them! Big portions of raw fish and veggies surrounded by lots of rice and all wrapped up in seaweed so you can carry it around just like a giant burrito!

    Me - So, they took all the delicate beauty and elegance and tradition out of sushi and replaced it with the all american ideal of go big or go home we only eat stuff that's bigger than our own heads so lets shove everything into a giant tube of food?

    Her - You take the fun out of everything I love.

    Me - That's because all the stuff you love is stupid.
     
    hellointerloper likes this.
  19. MattyBoomBatty

    MattyBoomBatty Addicted

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2011
    Messages:
    893
    Location:
    Inside a Tangled Web of BS
    Name:
    Matt
    Instagram:
    AOIMatt
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    "Look Dad, that guy has a car just like yours!"
    (Incredibly rich prick in red corvette looks me up and down)
    "YOU have a Corvette!?"

    "No Mate...she means RED."

    Daughter walks off...... puts hand in big Mother-F Ostriches mouth.
    "OH SH** IT BIT ME!"
     
    Purple Bat and hellointerloper like this.
  20. hellointerloper

    hellointerloper Post Pimp

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2014
    Messages:
    2,761
    Location:
    CT, United States
    Name:
    Maddie
    Instagram:
    hellointerloper
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    This whole concept of a sushirrito makes me so incredibly sad.
     
  21. Purple Bat

    Purple Bat Addicted

    Joined:
    May 22, 2012
    Messages:
    884
    Location:
    US Mid-Southwest
    Name:
    John
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    Matt, did those two events happen in sequence? I'm confused... but your daughter sounds awesome.

    Now I want to try a sushirrito, but only in preciously Japanese varieties, just to be obtuse. Kampyo and umeboshi and kappamaki please! Yum.


    EDIT:
    :cry:
     
    Waterbear likes this.
  22. hellointerloper

    hellointerloper Post Pimp

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2014
    Messages:
    2,761
    Location:
    CT, United States
    Name:
    Maddie
    Instagram:
    hellointerloper
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    I read their menu and... some of those ingredients aren't supposed to be in sushi. Sriracha? Garlic? Portabello? The boyfriend says "it sounds like some hipster guy bought a bunch of cultural food, dropped it on the floor, picked them all up, and put them all in a burrito."
     
    Waterbear likes this.
  23. toothaction

    toothaction Team Tsubu Staff Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2011
    Messages:
    12,572
    Location:
    Detroit
    Name:
    David
    flickr:
    toothaction
    Instagram:
    thebeautifulpuffin
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    "You know what this delicious, raw tuna could use? Pepper jack!"
    [​IMG]
     
    hellointerloper likes this.
  24. Waterbear

    Waterbear Comment King

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2013
    Messages:
    1,431
    Location:
    Hiding in your toy chest
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    So they won't allow you to have soy sauce or wasabi but they'll add cheese and sriracha?

    Fuck no.
     
    hellointerloper likes this.
  25. Biff

    Biff S7 Royalty

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2006
    Messages:
    3,680
    An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread
    Looks like something made by someone who was incredibly stoned.
     
    hellointerloper likes this.

Share This Page